June 18, 2009

My 33rd List

I’ve been having a pity party for a couple of days now. Between turning 33 yesterday and another major important event in my life all happening at once, it has been extremely overwhelming. I have to admit I haven’t handled it very well. If not for my children I would have stayed in bed both days.

 

So tonight I’m sitting here working on some things and thinking about what’s been bothering me most about my birthday this year. I’ve had the recurring thought that I accomplished absolutely nothing last year. Of course, I did, but to me—the perfectionist—it feels like nothing. (For the record, I’ve completed over a year of college.)

 

I never really jumped on the Bucket List bandwagon. I guess I never saw any relevance in it for myself. Until now. I just had the thought that I don’t want to wait until I get bad news or my health goes south to decide to finally do something with my life. Maybe the reason I didn’t accomplish much is because I didn’t really plan to accomplish anything. Interesting school of thought there…

 

So here it is…*a list of things I hope to accomplish during my 33rd year on this Earth (or, at least, some time in the near future):

 

  • Finish writing a book (fiction).
  • Submit book/find an agent.
  • Earn my A.A. degree.
  • Graduate with an “A” average.
  • Enroll in Bachelors program.
  • Decide what I want to do (career-wise).
  • Learn how to have fun with my kids again.
  • Send more snail mail to friends/family.
  • Follow my creative urges/don’t stifle my creativity.
  • Love myself a little more. (Stop being so critical towards myself.)
  • Encourage my daughter to be more daring with her art.
  • Go on a vacation with my family.
  • Laugh more.
  • Learn how to relax.
  • Sew more raggedy dolls.
  • Sew Emily some skirts for school.

 

*I reserve the right to add to this list or revise as necessary. :)

June 15, 2009

Letting Myself Go

It's one of those days. After lots of great family time last week, it all ended Saturday night when we had to take Robert back. Then I got the news yesterday about what day they'll be leaving and that has just thrown me into a huge tailspin.

I've known this was coming for months. I kept telling myself this time would be easier. It isn't. In fact, it's worse. I feel like there's so many things left undone and unspoken and too many loose ends flapping in the wind. I pray to God I can make it through the coming months.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm worried. I feel like letting myself go. I'm so tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting for what seems to be a hopeless cause sometimes. Is this all there is to life? I hope not.

 

(I will be okay. I just need to vent today.)